It's that time of year again. When we make ourselves promises to change. And then try desperately not to break them. But why is it so hard?

David Bird Cognitive Hypnotherapy Leighton Buzzard, Goal Setting, Fear of Failure

I've never set New Years' Resolutions. But I have set goals. Made plans. Set standards. Yet I'd always fall short. The problem was, I wasn't making them to get what I wanted. I was trying to achieve what I thought would make me feel good enough.

There's a big difference between healthy goals and toxic goals. So how do we tell? The question is:

What's my motivation? Am I moving towards a positive, or away from a negative?

For example:

If I find my mind is clearer with a tidy home, over time, I learn to keep it that way. Because I feel better. So it naturally becomes something I want to do.

But if I see a messy house as a failure of who I am, my efforts to tidy will be driven by fear. I HAVE to do it. Because if I don't, it means something about me. Cue sky-rocketing stress at the mention of unexpected visitors.

So how do we identify toxic goals?

1. "What do I want to get out of this? What will it bring me if I achieve it?"

Positive answers tend to be more carrot (towards). Negatives more stick (away). "Exercising three times a week will give me more energy" is much more healthy than "I won't feel so lazy and useless".

2. "What will it mean if I don't achieve it?"

This is a great way to uncover hidden sticks. The fear of falling short. Pay special attention to answers that point to a who-I-am e.g. "because then I'll be a failure".

3. "I should.."

A 'should' prefix to a goal is often a tell-tale sign. Either there's something getting in the way, or there's a part of us that doesn't really want it. Sometimes it's about a perceived lack of capability.

To uncover more of what's going on, add a 'but' and finish the sentence e.g. "I should exercise more, but..". See what comes up. And ask how true and unchangeable the rationale really is.

It's easy to take a goal at face-value. But a little investigation can go a long way in making sure the resolutions we set do actually have our best interests at heart.

(Struggling with setting goals, sticking to what you say you’ll do, or getting over a fear of failure? Cognitive Hypnotherapy in Leighton Buzzard can help you. Get in touch to learn how)